You know I have been trying to post for ages?! I haven't even been able to read any Blogger blogs, I keep getting these page load errors. I have been almost in tears people! What am I supposed to fill my days with if I can't read about all of you?! I tried and tried to post a reply to all the wonderful comments! Thank you!
I am sending positive Vibes out to Raechelle and Frankie.
Positive Line----------------------------------------------------------------------
Warning, if you are currently very happy read no further.
I have been in such a shitty mood lol ...that its probably good I couldn't blog.
So hmm where do I start? I am unhappy with myself, I am mad at myself, I am frustrated with my situation and am wondering if I am blind to some huge deficiency in myself.
I have been trying to figure this out, but then I just get tired of thinking but I can't stop, so last night I killed off all thought with plenty of cheesecake, I lose 3 bones for that btw.
Then of course the self loathing, even deeper self analization.... and before you know I am good and depressed!
I am disgusted I let myself gain weight, that I can't seem to stay on plan long enough to get back down to 125, that summers coming and I want to wear shorts, that I live in FUCKING BRISBANE which I HATE.
Where is all that self discipline I had several months ago? My self confidence has gone out the window , I hate going out to the store, I don't even want to leave my room.
How do I dig myself out again? I am not sure. I just want to feel decent, I feel an unhealthy amount of rage when I see a woman with her hair done, nice outfit, makeup, jewelry, not AT her, I just want those things too, I want to just have one day where I feel like a million bucks instead of like a bag lady.I constantly feel like I am not good enough, that I don't measue up, that I ALMOST made it to my goal, then lost it and inhaled a small country.
I just feel all woe is me , waa waa. I'm sure I'll get over it Anyway...
End Rant
I have a party to go to on the 25th, just 3 short weeks from now... I wonder if I did 2 hours of cardio a day and stuck to my eating plan like glue ...what size i would be.
Dress is "fit glam". I am not sure what that means but I do know I don't own anything that resembles that.... my clothing of late is more "clown casual" In my current mental state, this is A LOT of pressure.
Blah now I don't want to post this but I got nothing else so here ya go. :S
51 days to go...A new challenge is here!
34 minutes ago
7 comments:
Oh dear! I have been there and done that! Start with small changes, don't look too far ahead. My self-esteem improved a lot since I began to eliminate desserts which made me feel more depressed about myself. I chose to live for me..inside first and then outside. If you do it for your "body image" alone it is a hard battle to beat if you are not driven by self love. I hope this makes sense!??
I just want you to treat your "self" less harshly and not to rebel with negative thoughts and then actions. Hope you can smile soon...hang in there!
(((((((TEAROSE))))))))
Oh, do I know how you feel. I just wrote a paragraph in my most recent post about how I'm trying to get past the mental self-torture over seeing myself in photos yesterday. This time last year, I was a size 4. Now, I'm an 8. I remember that, when I was a 14, I would have killed to be an 8. But, I'm now realizing that an 8 is still big on my frame and I'm trying to take it one day at a time, instead of wasting energy on "look what you did".
One foot in front of the other. We can do it.
Stop right there. Enough of torturing yourself. All that negativity will keep feeding your negative mindset. Find some meditation music and listen to it daily even twice daily. NO it won't make you lose fat but it will help put you in a better head space. I recommend you read The Gabriel Method(don't anyone laugh), he even has a free downloadable meditation. This has made me so much happier, less stressed and able to focus more. If you go to the Gabriel method website and enter the word heart you'll be able to get the downloadable CD. I hope this can be of use to you and anyone else reading this. As we all know it's not the diet or the exercise its all in the mind otherwise we'd all be superlean as most of us work our arses off in the gym. You know you can do this Yvette.There are some good podcasts from Peter Seigel too if you search around.
Tea, I know how you feel. I feel like I'm starting ALL over again. But, I'm taking it one day at a time. Not fretting over the past. Just moving on. I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say how you got SO close to your goal and then lost it. That happened to me too. But not all is lost. You will wake up from this nightmare. I did. Hugs girl, we're all here with you.
Thanks for the support Cathy, Melissa and Evelyn!, I feel much better today.*hugs* to you all!
Oh I like Pete Siegels stuff! My trainer introduced me to his stuff, I need to go back and find and listen to that. The Gabriel Method looks interesting, we all know its a mind thing. once the mind is right the eating and exercise are easy peasy.Right?
Oh, Tea,
I agree with what others have said. It all starts in the mind. Try to take pleasure and feel successful for the little things - passing up the cheesecake for one day, drinking all your water, whatever it needs to be. Get that momentum going in a positive direction and you'll be feeling on top of the world in no time.
Remember this - it is STILL better to feel great and have more weight to lose than to be at goal weight and feel unhappy about yourself. FEELING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF is the goal. Looking good is just a bonus by-product of that.
Love ya, girl.
Hey Tea,
Glad you can post again, been missing you.
OK - time to start fresh, wherever you are, just pick up and run with it...I know it's easier said than done, BUT...you have done it before, so you can do it again...
I want you to sit down for 5 minutes every night and write down a)5 things you've done for yourself today
b)5 things for which you are grateful
This helped me out of a big hole a couple of years back...I was constantly putting myself down thinking how hopeless I was, but by writing down the things I had achieved during the day, I realised I wasn't as useless as I told myself...
Hang in there Hunny, sending you warm positive vibes.
xoxoxo
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